The uncomfortableness of parenting global citizens

  

    Parenting is not easy.  No matter how many books you read or people you talk to, there's never any guarantee that the advice given or strategy proposed will work for you and your child.   Before my son was born, I felt very confident about my ability to be a good parent.  After all, I had been teaching young children for many years, was knowledgeable about early childhood development, and had witnessed all kinds of interactions between parents and children over the course of my career.  Very little surprised me anymore, and so I felt ready and equipped to be a parent myself until our first night at home!

    I gave birth in Japan and while my pregnancy and birth went heavenly (I absolutely loved the whole experience), I was not prepared for what awaited me at home.  All my knowledge about parenting and raising children mostly came from my own experience being raised in Canada and my experience as a western-trained educator.  When we brought back our son from the clinic - which I totally loved by the way - I wasn't prepared for the fact that my knowledge as a westerner was not going to be of much use living with my in-laws in a traditional Japanese house.  On our first night at home, all three of us - my husband, my son, and I - lay down side-by-side on our futons in the tatami room for our first night as a family.  But something was wrong!  It was cold! In the middle of December, it was approximately 15 degrees in the bedroom (with the heat on), and all the books I had read said I shouldn't put a blanket on a newborn while sleeping as it increases the risks of suffocating.  While I loved the idea of co-sleeping in a tatami room, I also kept worrying I would move during the night which also increased the risk of suffocation.  With all the post-partum hormones going through my body it didn't take long before tears streamed down my face and I had my first encounter with the confusion that comes with raising a child in a different context than the one I grew up in.  My confidence dropped quickly and I felt for the first time the uncomfortableness of parenting in a global and diverse context. 

    Fast forward several years later, the confusion and uncomfortableness continue to be part of my parenting experience on a regular basis but I have become more accustomed to it, like an old friend that drops by once in a while.  With time, it has become an ally in my work as an educator providing me with the necessary awareness and empathy required to work with families from multicultural and diverse ethnic backgrounds. 

    Last week, as I met online with a group of parents from my son's school, uncomfortableness popped its head into our conversation.  Our parent group was discussing raising children who attend international schools, and during the meeting, a very courageous Japanese mother shared her personal experience of feeling ill-equipped as she tries to support her child in this unfamiliar context.  She shared that prior to entering school, she and her husband had always engaged with their child in what she described as the traditional Japanese way, by reciting the words they had heard growing up: "be disciplined", "be quiet", "be obedient", "be nice to others", etc.  Recently, their child is having difficulty at school and while their beliefs are still at the heart of their interactions, they are increasingly feeling unsure about how to support their child in this international context.  The advice she receives from teachers is based on their western knowledge and beliefs about parenting but doesn't always align with Japanese parenting practices. Her story reached all the participants and reminded me of my own struggle with the uncomfortableness of parenting a child who is part of a much larger world than the one I grew up in.  

    As I reflect on my journey and listen to the perspectives of families from diverse cultural and ethnic backgrounds, I realize that raising children in a global context means that we will often encounter uncomfortableness and question our own beliefs and biases regarding parenting practices.  In those moments I remember the words of Tara Brach - a meditation teacher - who often says "no mud, no lotus".  It is through those muddy, difficult, and uncomfortable times that we grow and learn.  Therefore, it's important to embrace uncomfortableness to reflect on our beliefs.  It is unpleasant to be unsure and not know the right way forward but at the same time, it is important in this increasingly global context to put our thinking to the test and shake up our worldview once in a while by considering if our beliefs still hold or if maybe they need to be revisited.  

    That night, when I encountered the uncomfortable feeling of not knowing what to do, I did choose to put a blanket on my child and let him sleep close to me.  We continued to co-sleep in the traditional Japanese way even when some of my friends said "you really shouldn't, you won't be able to sleep well".  As I look back on that experience, I'm glad I let go of all the western advice and followed the Japanese tradition of co-sleeping.  For our family, it was the right decision and I believe that by being open to new ways of doing things, we are modeling for our children ways of navigating uncertainty and embarrassing diversity in an increasingly more diverse and connected world.

    I look forward to your comments... Happy wondering!

Anne